today started pretty decent. I had a happy dream about my departed soul mate. I miss a lot right now and it was had me down, that along with the fact that I have not found a decent job yet. I tried to stay cheerfull for the holidays. I was going to bake homemade goodies for my friends and family (and still am), but I was depressed about not being able to buy my own kids anything. No job = no money for gifts.

other then the holidays, as those of you who read my journals know, I've been second guessing myself of wether or not I should continue on with the custody battle.

Today was one of my friends birthday. He didn't want to celebrate alone, so he invited me and [link] to have dinner with him and his family, then see a movie afterward. Turns out the friends dad is a retired judge. He and I had a nice long conversation. He really helped ease my fears about court and the kids. I am re-energized for the court battle that is to come after the holidays. He even gave me a few pointers. Having a third person from a professional standpoint, listen to me and voice the same concerns I have, before I pointed them out helped me regain the confidence I needed.

Then to top things off, I got a checl I wasn't expecting for a few more months. Since I started college a few years ago, I had to apply for additional loans. Unfortunately I had to quit due to no internet access. Kinda hard to do on-line classes when you can't get on-line. After after my soul mate died I picked my classes back up. I had already paid for them. Well, since it was a new year, and my financial situation had changed, I got to apply for Pell Grant. There was about 5k left over between my grant and previous loans. That money comes to me, in payments. As it comes in from the bank/Gov/where ever, as long as my classes are paid, the extra goes on a credit card for my usage. Financial assistance said I wasn't supposed to see any of that cash until 2010.

I am happy to say: Some of it came early I know have a few hundred bucks to spend on my kids for the holidays. And I can buy my own ingredients for my homemade goodies.

lately I have been doing a lot of thinking. The Custody battle was dragged out again. This time till January. Doubt I'll get to see my babies on Christmas or Yule.

My lawyer says I may have a chance to get them back IF i can get a job. So far nothing. I put in 2 applications a week, minimum. Nothing yet.

I've been depressed a lot recently too. lost interest in some of my fav thing (like SWG). I still game, the role playing helps. It gets me out of reality for a short time.

but I still wonder

what if I don't get my kids back? The in-laws have filed for custody in case I don't win. But I'm not sure if I am ready to live in MN again. I don't really know anyone. I won't have my family right down the road. I won't have my freinds down the hall. Having everyone here helps.

But even with everyone here I still get really depressed at times. I keep thinking what did I do wrong? Why am I being denied my kids? What if I don't get them back?

sorry, but given what I am going through I have had to take a lot of my Deviations down. Anything in which I am topless or nude has to be taken down.

It may be art to many of us, however the Judge for my custody battle is an old, white, conservative man who probly won't she my work as art. The Guardian Adlium has already stated that SHE doesn't concider nudity art, and she is the balance point as to wether or not i get my kids.

*******EDIT********

well I think my mom just screwed herself in the custody case.

I go visit the kids tomorrow, and I get to confront her on her latest traffic offense. She is a habitual offender of driving on a suspended/revoked license. She was given fines, 90 days DL suspension, and 90 days jail time. The jail time was knocked down to 10 days though. She has lied to the family saying that she was offered a job out of town on the weekends and that her van broke down again. I get to try to get the truth out of her tomorow. If she denies the time or gets confrentational with me then I can get an emergency hearing.


***end update***



well the court hearing didn't go too well. I lost quite a bit. Due to some bs my mom told the Guardian Adlightum (GA) I only get supervised visits, and there is no set schedule. GA wanted Granny to supervise, but my mom said that Granny is too old (Granny got pissed at that) so she keeps trying to find ways supervise herself. Plain and simple she don't get along with Donna (my aunt, her sister) and she don't want the kids near her.

Long story short on that, I drive 1-2 hours and pay $5 every Friday so that I can play with the kids at Goochland YMCA. It takes 1/4 tank of gas and because i am not a member I pay $5 to get in.


I have went back to my OnLine college classes. Math sux.

I still babysit during the day. So far the house is just about ready 4 the kids. I don't go back to court again till Sept. I still cry at night, most nights. Money is getting a little tighter. And I don't really have an RP group anymore. I miss RPing. It really helped. I would try more SWG, but it's only so fun if you play alone.

Found this and wanted to know more about my fellow watchers and what they think of me... I TAG ALL OF THEE!!!

1. Your Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favourite Film:
5. Favourite Song or Album:
6. Favourite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of dA?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favourite memory of us?
14. What is your favourite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarkey) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favourite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent:
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?